here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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