Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
