I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
