you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
