I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
