I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
