i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
