Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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