So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
