Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
