Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
