Too much gin, very little bucket
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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