I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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