let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
