i was born a porn star she said
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
