also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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