We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
