I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
