God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize