At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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