When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
