you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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