Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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