The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
