That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dignity is for republicans.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I believe in your delicious
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
