im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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