mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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