my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
