do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
