I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
