last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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