guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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