I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
