I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
