Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
