My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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