I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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