phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
