I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
