Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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