no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
