I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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