make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
