You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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