I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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