2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
