So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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