He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
