She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
