Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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