Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
