Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
