I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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