you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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