you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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