if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
