True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
