I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
