Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
